The Feedback Trap

Have you ever given feedback and instantly wished you had not? I think, at some point, we all must have.

Sometimes it is not even what you say—it is the look on your face. Someone asks you a question, and before you can carefully craft your response, your expression has already answered for you.

In my case… my resting face (yes, you know the one) gives everything away. Years of practice have not helped. I have often walked away thinking I kept my thoughts hidden, only for someone to later say, “Did you see your face when you were talking to them?”

Awkward.

Then there is the formal, forced feedback at work:

“Please tell me what I do well and what I need to improve on.”

Danger zone.

This is something I have learned to approach very carefully. Because, in my experience, people do not actually want feedback on what they could do better. They want reassurance. They want to hear they are doing brilliantly and everything is perfect.

Even when I try to balance it—start positive, gently suggest an improvement, wrap it nicely—it can still feel like I have punched them in the face.

Or you get the classic:

“Thank you for your feedback… however, you are wrong!”

And let us be honest—the people who should be asking for feedback? They rarely do. And that, is for obvious reasons.

Then, of course, there are those who offer unsolicited feedback. You did not ask, you did not hint, yet somehow their opinion arrives anyway.

It is funny how you cannot go through life without someone telling you what you could do better. And you are left thinking: “If I really wanted your advice, I would have bloody asked for it!”

And then we reach the ultimate danger category: family feedback.

With your husband or partner, it is less a question and more a test:

“Does this make me look fat?”

Go on—I dare you to answer honestly.

Or:

“Do you think we should do this?”

Translation: We are absolutely doing this, and you will agree.

Then there are your children. You think you are doing a fantastic job—everything is going smoothly—and suddenly, after 20-odd years, they share opinions that do not quite align with what you remember in your version of events!

Feedback really is a trap. One minute you are offering something helpful, the next you are in damage control.

Honestly, I would love an optional filter for feedback—one that knows when to share it… and when to keep it incredibly quiet.

“Because not all traps look like traps… some sound like ‘What do you think?’”